The Next Right Thing

I saw a post on tumblr (I know, I know) that consisted of a few pages from Kelly Sue DeConnick‘s Captain Marvel run. There’s a character who is struggling with death and doesn’t want to let go – they’ve come out to spread someone’s ashes but she doesn’t want to spread them. She says: “I don’t want to imagine my life without her.” Carol tells her:

“You don’t have to think about your whole life right now. All you have to focus on is… the next… right… thing… and let go.”

I’ve been having a lot of Brain Problems(tm) lately and one of the biggest things I struggle with is executive dysfunction. Executive dysfunction, as it has been explained to me, is when you know you have to do something, you want to do the thing, you tell yourself to DO THE THING, but you don’t do it. The debilitating factor, for me, vacillates between severe anxiety and severe depression, but both give me the same result – I know I have to do a thing (for example, eat breakfast), I want to do the thing, I have everything I need to do the thing… but I don’t do the thing. I know there will be a negative effect because I’m not doing the thing, but I’m still not doing the thing.

Yesterday (Friday) I was having trouble getting things done. All I felt up to doing was sitting on the couch or laying in bed, despite the fact that I needed to get ready for work, I had laundry to put away, etc. While I was avoiding the rest of the world and browsing tumblr, as is my wont, I came across the post. I read it, I liked it, I kept browsing. A few minutes later, I was trying to convince myself to Do The Thing, and I thought of the post.

I didn’t have to think about whatever I needed to do later. I didn’t have to turn it into a long sequence of events in my mind that I would inevitably become distressed by. I didn’t even need to look at the big picture that my brain finds so frightening and impossible. All I had to do was ask myself: What is the Next Right Thing?

Maybe it seems silly. But it helped me narrow my focus. It made things do-able. I continued to use this frame of mind throughout the rest of my day, while I was at work, whenever I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, or felt like an imposter, or felt like I wasn’t Doing Enough, I would ask myself the same question. It got me through the day. Step by step. Maybe it put blinders on me, but those blinders allowed me to function. Hopefully, as I continue to be able to function, I’ll regain the ability to look at the bigger picture without being afraid and avoidant. For now, this question keeps me moving, task by task, and I’m grateful for it.

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Success and Green Hair

I went to work and it went well. All I got were welcome backs and some we missed yous. And I really did miss my work fam. They make me laugh.

I was nervous because while I was on LOA and immensely depressed and wanting to harm myself, I did a Nice Thing for myself and went and got my hair professionally colored. I’ve always wanted to do a Fun Color so I picked this bluey-tealy shade and I really like it. Problem is, our dress code at work says no “non-natural hair colors.”

Nobody said anything. I could feel my boss’ boss ignoring it really hard. I’m still a little worried that my boss’ boss’ boss will fly in to town and have a fit, but here’s the thing: I think the rule is wrong. It’s outdated and predicated on an obsolete model of “professional.” So I’m prepared (if excruciatingly nervous) to defend it if I need to. If they want to fire me over it, then I will find a job where somebody cares about what I bring to the table more than they care about an arbitrary rule about color. Maybe I can succeed in getting them to change the rule. Who knows.

I think an important part of mental health is a good sense of self, and for me, green hair (or blue depending on who you ask) is a part of that sense of self. My sidecut/undercut is part of that sense of self. If they really want us to be happy and healthy at work, they should be interested in supporting that. I’m not doing anything that presents a danger to myself or to other team members.

I guess what I’m saying here is: FITE ME.

I even managed to do a sketch card tonight. I was thinking about not doing one, but I did it. I think it helps to know what the subject is going to be beforehand. Then you know you’re not going to sit at your desk for 57 hours waiting for inspiration to strike.

I have not gone back to Dark Souls today, though. That is Too Much Stress when I’m trying to build myself up to go back to work tomorrow (although getting past the initial hump was probably The Worst.)

Here, for the curious, is the green and/or blue hair in question (bad lighting on a webcam, sorry):

photo-on-2-16-17-at-10-32-pm

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More Dark Souls, and Anxiety

I played more Dark Souls III today. I did better, I think. Beat the second boss on my second try. Made some progress. Helped out Siegward and we killed a demon together. It was a nice moment. Siegward might be my favorite NPC.

Tomorrow I will return to work after having essentially a month on Leave of Absence for my depression which had gotten unmanageable. I am nervous. I don’t feel the desire to hurt myself, which is good, because I was struggling pretty hard with that before, but my anxiety is winding itself up pretty hard.

Part of me is expecting resentment from my co-workers. And there will probably be some of that. But I can’t let it stop me from living my life, and to live I have to make money, and to make money I have to go to work.

I guess all I can do is spend my free time trying to bolster my skills so that I can write a novel and sell a billion copies and never have to go to work again.

I’m trying to do an art thing, a writing thing, and an exercise thing every day. The first two are easier than the last. But I’m going to keep picking myself up and taking a run at it.

I am so scared, I’m shaking, light-headed. But I can do this. I’ve done it before. I can do it again.

Fuck, if I can play Dark Souls…

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Dark Souls III for Valentine’s Day

I took my SO out for sushi yesterday for V-Day and while we were eating I asked, “If you could pick one game that you want me to play, what would it be?”

“Dark Souls III,” he immediately replied, causing me to win the internal bet with myself.

So after we got home and I spent some time decompressing and drawing, I did the thing.

I made a Knight because I like to be beefy and able to take hits and also because I am so fuckin afraid of Souls games. It took me a while to start to get a feel for the controls – I am constantly wanting to hit square to attack, for instance, which results in hilarious instances of me walking up to an enemy and drinking Estus right in their face. Jumping is pretty awkward, although the mechanic isn’t used too often, and I don’t keep track of my stamina like I ought to. I’ve played too much Dynasty Warriors, I guess.

Despite a rough start (“You have to do the thing.” “I’M TRYING TO DO THE THING”)  I got through the tutorial boss and chugged my way through. I beat the first boss, who honestly felt kind of easy once I had a run without making a stupid mistake. I farmed up some souls on knights – at one point I got two consecutive backstabs, yelling “SUCK IT” at the television. Grinding a bit helped me get more of a handle on the mechanics, probably. I took an elevator down and a doggo followed me and pushed me off the elevator. A bunch of skinny ladies flew me over to the Undead Settlement, where I tried to save the caravan from the doggos and had the gate close on me as a result (I saved one of them).

Once I learned to leave my pity behind like a shed skin and let the caravaners get doggo’ed, I got into the Settlement. My first encounter with the Big Fiery Hugging Aunt was super easy but I decided to go back, level up, show Greirat Loretta’s Bone, and then come back. Then I got hugged to death. So I came back. And got hugged to death. And got hugged to death. Finally I grabbed my souls and ran back, leveled up, came back… and got hugged to death. So that was where I stopped for the night.

Honestly it was more entertaining than I expected. It’s definitely frustrating, but that isn’t news. I mash too much and I have to get out of that habit,  but when I can keep my cool the movement is pretty satisfying. It’s easier to get used to than Bloodborne, which murders you straight out of the cradle. Maybe I’ll be able to develop the muscle memory with DSIII and then go back to BB and play it better, cause I’d love to play more of it, but I’m real bad.

tl;dr: Are you intimidated by Dark Souls? Give it a try, and give yourself some time to get used to the mechanics. It’s actually… enjoyable?

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Drakengard 3 = Madoka but more gross

A long, long time ago I played Drakengard for the PS2. As a dragon enthusiast and a long-time lover of storylines with bad endings for everyone, I loved it. The gameplay was Real Bad and I didn’t even care. I kept playing, determined to achieve every fucked-up ending. The game did not disappoint.

When Drakengard 2 came out, disappointment was rampant. Apparently there was a decision to make Drakengard 2 the opposite of its predecessor in tone, so it was brightly colored, and while the stories do end up with some pretty bummer endings, it’s not immediately apparent right off the bat that the world is Fucked Up. So I tried a little bit of it and, disappointed, left it where it lay. I never went back to the Drakengard series (or Nier) because of the disappointment of the second installment.

A few months ago I watched Super Best Friends play through Nier, because I’d always been kind of curious about it, and laying in bed eating food and watching other people play games is Kind Of My Jam. It was a fun playthrough to watch (although the gameplay convinced me that I would probably never play it myself – I’m bad at bullet hell) and I enjoyed the experience. I noticed that they also had a video of Drakengard 3, so I checked it out.

Drakengard 3 was not a long-form Let’s Play, just an hourish of footage from the beginning of the game, but it was enough to have me Totally Intrigued, so I looked up a YouTube video with all the FMV/story segments (because let’s be real am I going to put in the hours for all those endings probably not), and lay in bed transfixed, watching it for five hours (minus the nap I had to have in the middle because of Brain Problems).

It’s a bummer. It’s a Huge Bummer. It’s uncomfortable. They talk about sex. There is talk of sex with a boy who appears very underage although (SPOILERS) he turns out to be a magically transformed dove, so I’m actually not sure about the legality and/or morality here. The Wikipedia article mentioned that Drakengard 3 is influenced by Puella Magi Madoka Magica and it shows in the weird juxtaposition of Cute Anime Girl Tropes and Psycho Anime Girl Tropes. Yandere isn’t quite the word, but it’s close. Anyway it captivated me and despite the fact that I just spent FIVE HOURS watching the story elements I’m thinking real hard about actually picking it up and playing it, because I’m kind of in love with it. It is the for-real Waifu Wars of my dreams.

God, I am such a fuckin’ weeb.

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Depression and Politics

Well hello there, long-neglected blog.

Lots of people on the internet have lots to say about politics, particularly now. For myself, it came as a shock when 45 won. I realize that this is a symptom of my own privilege, and how good I have it up here in my comfortable Blue State (Washington). I’m trying to branch out, to understand why and how this happened, to figure out what I can do about it.

I also have a long history of depression and anxiety (two great tastes that taste great together). I had a major episode with anxiety back in October and my life was just starting to get settled again when the election happened.

I couldn’t go to work on the day after. I couldn’t go to work on Inauguration Day. I went to the Seattle Womxn’s March, and that helped some. But once the dopamine wore off I found myself slipping further and further into the dark areas of my mind that I had hoped never to see again.

I’ve had four doctor’s visits and two medication changes in the last few weeks. I’ve been on LOA, because every single day, when I tried to do anything, my brain would hijack my train of thought and drive it directly into Suicidal Ideation Station. I live with a low level of this pretty much every single day, but it was like someone cranking up the volume on a channel of just static. If it’s quiet you can ignore it, get used to it. Then someone turns it up to 11 and it’s all you can hear. You can’t have conversations. You can’t focus on tasks or do anything because it’s always in the way. It’s crippling at best and life-threatening at worst.

The day after the election I bleached my hair and dyed it blue. I felt out of control. I needed to feel in control. I needed something to enjoy, something to like about myself. I don’t know. But it helped, so I kept doing it, until last week I went and had it done by someone who knows what they’re doing. It’s brighter and I’m a little afraid I’ll get in trouble at work, but I need it. It sounds so stupid in the light of what other people are going through.

I’m feeling less like hurting myself lately, but every loss seems to erode the mental health I’ve managed to build back up. And there are so many amazing people who are out there, they are fighting to keep checks and balances in place, and I try to take heart from that but it just doesn’t seem to work very well.

I tried tuning it out entirely, and found myself unable to do so without cutting off all social interaction completely, which would be more harm than good. I feel like I have a responsibility to call shit out when I see it or hear it, but then I get trapped between feeling the need to say something and the need to be liked.

I guess I need to stop caring about whether or not people like me. Or at least start caring more about everything else that’s happening. I don’t know. All I can do is keep trying, I guess. It would be incredibly freeing if I felt like I was able to tell people what I really thought, without trying to spoon-feed it or get them to come around on an issue, but that feels so counterproductive that I don’t want to do that, either.

I wonder if I would care so much about what other people thought of me if I were male?

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Twitch Plays Pokémon, and Twitch Plays Pokémon Plays Tetris

TPPPT

Twitch Plays Pokémon stream: http://www.twitch.tv/twitchplayspokemon

Twitch Plays Pokémon Plays Tetris stream: http://www.twitch.tv/xkeeper_

This is the most hilarious shit.

So some enterprising cool person set up a Twitch stream that plays Pokémon using the commands from the chat as the input for the game. They have a script that parses the inputs from the Twitch IRC chat channel, and feeds it to a GameBoy emulator as input.

At the time of this writing, the collaborative effort of 20,000+ people has gotten us:

  • Three Gym Badges
  • Replaced Charmander’s Ember with Bide (but then we got some clutch fucking Bides)
  • Bubblebeam on one Ratatta
  • Dig and Thunderbolt on the second Ratatta
  • Cut on both Charmander and Drowzee
  • Moonstone and Nugget in the garbage
  • A Helix Fossil worshipping cult

There’s a nice Google Doc with lots of information and fun graphics here: tinyurl.com/pokemonprogress

If you need an entertaining way to waste time on the internet, look no further than Twitch Plays Pokémon. It is stunning to see how quickly some tasks get done, and how seemingly endless others are to perform (LEDGE ZONE!). If the statistics on this ever come out, they’ll be very interesting.

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